Ti Amo Mama

Love can be defined in different ways and in different languages. But above all, love is the freedom to express yourself to different people for different reasons. Love is a form of expression, it forms bonds –that we call relationships, that strengthen people’s will and mindset.

In my life, the strongest relationship I have next to God, is the love for my family. I believe that the word family does not only define those who you are blood related with. Family defined those people who you can be with, those who you feel at home the most. A family is when even though you don’t see each other often, you understand their feelings. It is when for better or for worse, you got each other’s back. Having a family means that you accept their mistakes and try to understand them, and at the same time tell them what’s wrong or what’s right.

For me, everything I do is for the better of what I call my “family”. I study hard for this family, I wake up every day for this family, I pray to God for good health for this family, everything I do and what I want to achieve, I want to give it to my family.

I don’t have a normal life right now. But what I want to achieve is I want to change that in the future.

My mom had me when she was still young –young and in love. Because of that she had a hard time especially when my father died before I turned two. At a young age, she learned to fend for herself and for her growing child, facing hardships and throwing away her youth for her child. Growing up, I never really realized how hard it was for her for but I knew in myself that I miss her every time she goes out of the country to work as an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW). But we had no other choice, I was growing and the bills kept going up because the expenses for education, electricity, food and other means of living were starting to go up. So she had to go to work, and I realized that what I can do for mommy was to work hard on my studies. So I did, but deep inside I knew that there was always something missing. She wasn’t there when I always received awards or recognition on subjects or activities that I thrived hard to achieve. I was happy, of course I was, after all I did it all to show her that I was good at something. But sometimes you can’t just really help that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that there was something or someone you want to be there to see you go up that stage and receive that kind of medal.

But never did I resent my mother for going far away from her child. Believe me when I say that I’ve thought of going rebel all these years. But whenever I do so, all the thoughts just comes back to one conclusion. That rebelling against the elders won’t really get me somewhere and doing so will only make matters worse for my mother. So I didn’t, and instead stuffed my face in a book every day . And my mother knows. She knew it in herself that she missed my childhood and all other stuff that she was supposed to be in. And she was sorry but we both know that we didn’t have any other choice.

Despite all that, I’m still close with my mother. Even though she wasn’t there when I needed her, when I felt lonely, when I felt rebellious, she was still my mother. Sometimes I hate myself for that. I want to shout, I want to break something, I want to tell her why wasn’t she there when I needed her the most during my early teenage years, but I don’t. I don’t because I understand, I don’t because I care for her, I don’t because I don’t have the right to do so. Still, sometimes I hate myself, why can’t I voice out my opinions? Why can’t I pour out the loneliness I’m feeling? But I love my mother. I’ll always do. And despite all the differences we have, despite the distance, and despite the kind of relationship we have different from others, she will always be the reason why I would want to have a better life.

One day I’m going to give her the world. Because that’s what she deserves, the world at her feet.